bad sex is easy to have. whether it’s someone you just met 5 minutes ago or you’ve been with someone for thirty years, bad sex is ridiculously easy to have.
especially for women because we
are trained to suppress our own
desires, feel shame over them,
cater to male pleasure above our
own and respond to sex in the
same way that men predominantly do, which is what our socially cultivated idea of
healthy sexuality is based on.
spontaneous mind-blowing sex
CAN and does happen, but it’s not
the predominant experience.
good sex usually takes time and
effort. even when we’re intensely
attracted to someone, it can take
a little practice before the sex gets
really consistently amazing.
so many of our communities
revolve around sex. we all have to
be having it. preferably lots of it.
and often with lots of people. and
unless you habitually run in a
community in which open
communication, honesty and
particularly the desires of women
both cis and trans are encouraged
and nurtured, you’re going to find
a lot of bad sex everywhere. even
in such communities it’s not a
guarantee (I’ve had a lot of bad
sex in my supposed progressive
queer community… see also many
people’s neg experience of sex
positivity, kink community, etc)
but when you are a sex worker,
you begin to realise the value of
bad sex that you don’t personally
get much out of, and that changes
things up a whole lot.
you find yourself really asking
“what’s in this for me? do I want
to go to the trouble of having sex
with someone if it’s going to be
ordinary and mediocre when I’m
not getting paid for it?”
this is another thing I hear non-
politicised hos say a lot: “if I want
to have shit sex, I’ll come to
whether in a relationship, a casual
hookup, a one night stand or
whatever, we want the sex we
have outside of work to be worth
the time we give to it.
you get a lot choosier. and
because you’re a lot choosier,
you’re communicating more and
you’re being more assertive about
your needs and desires and you
also find yourself shedding the
sense of obligation to please
others (men) by being sexually
available all the goddamn time.
in the words of many hookers I’ve
spent time with: “now I know the
value of my time and body”.